One Very long joke!!!!

☻If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

☻I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!

☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra

☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

☻ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

☻ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

☻ My Reality Check bounced.

☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

☻What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

☻A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1

☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

☻What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

☻How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

☻If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......

☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?

☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

☻Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…

☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!

☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻You should know what it takes to look this cheap!
 

☻You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck, otherwise even the dog would not play with you
 

☻You will have to cut back on your sex live. What part will you leave out, talking about it or thinking about it?
 

☻You with your beautiful eyes, you with your nice hair, you with your fantastic body ... o, sorry, wrong number
 

☻You’d better not be a dayfly and not having your day.
 

☻Your provider adjusted his rates. The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia, the shorter they are, the less you pay. You can telephone for free from now on!
 

☻It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!

☻A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!

☻i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it cost me an arm and a leg!

☻Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!

☻Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!

☻Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

☻A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home

☻At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

☻The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?

☻i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again






☻20% of the population is now drinking coffee, 60% is having sex, 19% is watching television and one yokel is now holding his mobile in his hand
 
☻A woman likes to have four animals in the house: a jaguar in front of the doorway, a fox in the closet, a bull in bed, and a numbskulll to pay for this all.
 

☻Are these your eyes, I found them between my brests!
 

☻At this moment i have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time. I thin I have forgotten this before.



 Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
 

☻This is the telephone terrorist team. While receiving this message a virus will be activated. This virus should have infected your mobile by now. Your mobile will be disabled, unless you are ugly.
 

☻This is your boss: "You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds."
 

☻This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:...try again...again...maybe you are just not sexy?...one more time...hey don't force it ugly!!!
 

☻Those beautiful eyes, that incredible body, such a brain, a sexy mouth, nice smile .... but that is enough about me, tell me how you are?
 

☻We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. "I do not understand. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die."
 

☻We will now upgrade your brain.......Please wait........Searching.......Searching.......Still searching........Sorry, no brain found !!!
 

☻What he want, I do not want ... What I want, he does not want ... What we want, is not allowed!
 

☻When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!
 

☻You are an unwanted child. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance.
 

☻You are never too blond to learn !!!
 

☻You got STYLE... You got SEX-APPEAL... You got the BRAINS... and you sure as hell got the BODY....WAIT!!!!!...SORRY....wrong number
 

☻You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things. The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things.

☻E man pays $.2,00 for a $.1,00 item that he needs, a woman pays $.1,00 for $.2,00 item that she does not need.
 

☻Excessive use of alcohol can lead to a pregnancy.
 

☻For you I would go as far as the end of the world. Do you promise to stay here ?"
 

☻God created the earth, God created the woods, God created you too, but yes, even God makes mistakes!
 

☻God created the universe, the earth, nature, the eggs, man and saw that it was good and beautiful. God also created woman and thought : ‘I hope she will make herself up’!
 

☻HALLO, this is your mobile. There is no particular problem. I just wanted to leave your pocket, want the smell is unbearable!!!
 

☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now..... sorry I will leave, I can't find a brain.
 

☻Hello, this is GOD. I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised. My apologies on behalf of the whole world..
 

☻How would you like your egg for breakfast.... hard-boiled or impregnated?
 

☻I am a killer,I kill people for money.....But because you are my friend,I'll kill you for nothing!
 

☻I am not stupid, I am blond!!! B - L - O - N - T
 

☻I am not your type ... I am not inflatable.
 

☻I know why I am single, my parents-in-law were not able to have kids...
 

☻I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer, beautiful colour, perfect taste, really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one!
 

☻I once sniffed Coke, but the icecubes blocked my nostrils...
 

☻If being ugly would hurt, you would be in pain all day long.
 

☻If you have picture where you look old, keep them. In twenty years you can prove that you have not changed a bit.
 

☻If you really ressemble the picture on your ID, you are not fit enough to travel.
 

☻Ik would like to be a volcano... smoke all day and people say ... look he is working!
 

☻In case of fire read this message.....................................I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!
 

☻It is charming, incredibly handsome, extremely good, well shaped, horny,an animal in bed and it knows one French word ... MOI!!
 

☻Love me or leave me. Hey,where is everybody going
 

☻Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!
 

☻My feelings for you are like the sea. " Wild and romantic ? " "No, they make me sick."
 

☻My mother in law walks five miles every day, I wonder where she is at this moment...
 

☻Nice perfume... but do you really need to marinate in it?
 

☻One out of four people is a chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.